THE TALE OF XANTA KLAUS
Twas two nights before Christmas
1995 was the year
The World Wrestling Federation
Zapped all of the holiday cheer
All the fans were disgusted
Clenched were their jaws
Angry to see the debut
Of the evil XANTA KLAUS
A few nights earlier
In Hershey, PA
The Million Dollar Man
Tried to ruin everyone’s day
A vile individual
All naughty, no nice
Always used his money
Because “everybody has a price”
He stood in the ring
As Santa made his way down
Savio Vega had his back
His Christmas duties abound
Santa was giving out gifts
To the good kids in the crowd
T-shirts and other gifts
Tossed to those who were loud
As St. Nick and sidekick Savio
Entered the squared circle
Mr. DiBiase ran his mouth
Wrestling’s version of a tubercle
A lesion of pro wrestling
People’s disdain of him was huge
Savio’s was most glaring
At the WWF’s Ebenezer Scrooge
Santa’s existence was “ridiculous”
A total aberration
Disputing his truth was the head
Of the Million Dollar Corporation
Savio didn’t back down
Defending the honor of Kris Kringle
He went to deck the halls
And make DiBiase’s head a-jingle
Suddenly, from behind
In a moment no one would suspect
Santa hit Savio with his bag
Then a clothesline with disrespect
It was “silent night” in Hershey
Ted and Xanta in cahoots
Double-teaming Mr. Vega
Giving him unlimited boots
Once the beating commenced
And the war having been fought
The realization set in
“Santa Claus could be bought!”
The duo left the ring
Amid all the dismayed fans
And to top it all off
Santa and DiBiase actually shook hands!
The next night on Raw
DiBiase, with all the dough
Was a very special guest
On the returning Brother Love Show!
Brother Love’s benefactor
Once the heat had been cooled
Began to explain to fans
How he had us ALL FOOLED
The man in all red
That wasn’t really Santa
Instead, it was the evil one
AND HIS NAME WAS XANTA
Xanta Klaus had arrived
In the World Wrestling Federation
The Million Dollar Man had a plan
For everyone’s own devastation
You see, he wasn’t from the North Pole
He was from the South Pole instead
Xanta joined Ted’s Corporation
And would leave us all in dread
Xanta Klaus doesn’t give gifts
All he does is take
You better watch your back
For all of goodness sake
So when the 23rd hit
During WWF Superstars
A jolly holiday song hit the PA
But the participant left the fans jarred
Dressed in black Santa gear
Complete with red trim
Entered the demented Xanta Klaus
Mr. DiBiase was with him
The commentators were astonished
Vince McMahon was perturbed
Mr. Perfect was overjoyed
He was anything but uncurbed
Xanta’s victim was Scott Taylor
A pre-Scotty 2 Hotty
As soon as the bell rang
The Ares of Christmas attacked the body
Pummeling with clubs and punches
He was ever the tyrant
Once the elbow was dropped
The crowd went silent
The Million Dollar Man was laughing
As evil as can be
Xanta was wrecking children’s dreams
Ruining their holiday fantasy
In one fell swoop
Xanta opened his rolodex
He threw Taylor reckless
His South Pole Sambo Suplex
Finally, after dominating
It was time for the end
Xanta sat on Taylor’s back
And pulled into a grueling bend
Arms over his knees
The pain was just too much
The Christmission? The Grinch Cinch?
Nope, Xanta hooked on his Christmas Clutch!
The referee signaled for the bell
Xanta Klaus was your winner
Scott Taylor looked like roadkill
To be fed to Rudolph for dinner
Mr. DiBiase was in delight
A new member for his crew
Surely his Corporation would rule
His portfolio surely grew
Sadly or gladly
The WWF had enough
DiBiase had ruined Christmas
It was just too much.
Gorilla Monsoon banished Xanta
After his one and only match
His evil was overwhelming
Back to the South Pole he was dispatched
Mr. DiBiase was never the same
His Corporation fell apart
Due to his greed
Breaking every child’s heart
As for Xanta, no one knows
If he is truly still lurking
My sources say he might be
He’s plotting while evil smirking
If there is one lesson to learn
It’s that evil never prospers
Don’t ever be naughty
Or you will encounter that evil monster
Every time I think of Christmas
I always have to pause
Because if you have done something bad
You’ll be visited by XANTA KLAUS.
Jon Harder
